To my firstborn son,
I am scared that you will have to share me with your little new sibling...
We were ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant with our second, but not 20 minutes after rejoicing with my husband, I cried. As I looked at my little love sleeping in my bed, I realised it was a few months before he was not going to be my only baby.
My baby boy; for the last 2 years, I have given you every inch of my heart, every ounce of energy and all of me to you. All my love and undivided attention have been solely for you.
Now as you very playfully ask to zoom your toy car over my pregnant belly, pretending it to be a giant almost never ending speed bump, I realise that life is about to change for the both of us.
This thought makes me extremely anxious. It's just you and me, just the way you have always known. With your cheeky grin and wonder eyes, you are blissfully unaware of this tidal wave of change that is coming your way, coming our way.
In just a couple of months, your baby sibling will be here, in our company. The very thought of you not being my only baby makes me a little scared. I can't help to think it is almost very normal for mother's to feel this way. Or maybe I am just consoling myself...
I know one thing for sure is you're going to be the most amazing big brother there is. You understand things that are way beyond your age, your love and kindness shine through you so bright, you are well prepared for your little sibling, probably more than mummy is, and that makes me so proud of you.
I know you can barely wait for your sibling to arrive but there are some things I want you to know:
1) You are my number one, my greatest love
You are the reason I am a mother, you teach me more than I could ever teach you. You have changed me completely as a person, and I cannot begin to thank you enough. I am sure when your sibling arrives that my heart will feel all these amazing things again, and it will burst in excitement, but while your dad is my great love, you are my greatest. The love I have for you will forever be beyond mine or anyone's understanding. I never knew I could ever love someone this much, and know the feeling of wearing your heart on your sleeve. My love for you is deep, fierce and powerful and that will never change, I promise you that. When I am occupied and distracted with your new sibling, when I am kissing him and giving him cuddles, please know that you are no less in my heart. Not one bit. I am going to still try and give you my all, even with my hands and heart full.
2) I am anxious, nervous and sometimes afraid
I have been asking your grandmama how she coped with me when she had me after your aunty, did she love me as much as she did my sister? I am so excited to meet your sibling but at the same time I am a little scared; what if I don't love him/her as much as I love you? My heart surely can't be big enough, is it even possible to love like that again? She says it will come just as naturally as it did with you...
I have also been telling your dad I am afraid I won't be able to handle the two of you together, because what would I do if you both need me at the same time? How would I divide myself exactly? Will I be able to stretch far enough to meet both your demands? I will probably be so exhausted from the lack of sleep, endless hours of breastfeeding and the newborn days aren't easy, let's face it. I will be naggy, rundown and overwhelmed, but I know I will also be very much in love.
My little love please, take it easy on me, guide me through it, help me through it and be my saviour through it all. Help me where you can, because I know you will.
3) You're about to unwrap the best present ever ever EVER
Your dad and I wanted a second baby very badly, but it was more for you than for us. We hope your sibling becomes your best friend and someone you grow up with to always have each others' backs. Your toys will suddenly not seem like much because there will be two of you sharing them. I can't wait to see the bond the both of you share, I promise you that when you grow up you are going to realise your sibling was the best gift you have ever received. Your sibling will be your forever friend, someone you can depend on with matters of the heart, worries and even the best of times.
4) I hope you don’t resent me
In a couple of months, I will have to divide myself between the both of you. I know I am going to be pulled in different directions, when the both of you are going to need me at probably the same time. I won't be able to dance with you in the middle of the living room swaying our hips to the 'Despacito'. I won't be able to read to you all of your favourite books. I won't be able to cuddle you for the many hours I do now. You won't be able to shout, "MUMMMMY!" from across the living room without me asking you to be quiet because I'm trying to get your sibling to nap.
In all this, I will try to be aware of your feelings and tend to you every free minute I get from the newborn days, I just hope you don't resent me in all of this. I will tend to you even in the hardest and most tiring days, I promise you.
5) I want to make the most of our ‘us’ time, until the three of us become four.
Although I am eagerly waiting until your baby sibling arrives, I am also secretly hoping time takes its own sweet time.
I am sure more joy is coming our way but right now all I can think of is basking in our 'us time'. I want to hold you as much as I can, hug you for hours straight, enjoy you in my bed before I have to train you to sleep in your own. I
want to spend as much quality time with you, I want to enjoy the time where it is just the two of us all morning and afternoon. Go for a walk in the park and answer all your questions about the cars passing by. Watch you giggle on the swing and excitedly climb the slide. Be woken up in the morning with your kisses and your little fingers trying to open my eyes wide. Sit with you in your room and play with all your cars and planes. Give you a few more weeks of complete undivided attention as I have this last two years.
I love you so much my little boy, more than you will ever know.
Sanam Gill blogs at www.heytheremomma.wordpress.com
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